Embracing the "Both/And" of Motherhood
By Mandy Nielsen
Utah mom experiencing sadness, grief, joy and big emotions after the birth of her baby.
The Struggles Of New Motherhood
When I became a new mother, it felt a lot like “The Tale of Two Mamas” because it was the best of times and the worst of times all at once.
Living in the middle of this dichotomy made me feel like I was losing my grip on reality. How is it possible to love something and someone SO MUCH but also feel SO SAD about the losses you are experiencing? How can you yearn for a break and then immediately pull out your phone and look at pictures of the baby you barely put down?
I finally realized that part of motherhood is living in the both/and. Creating space to hold two seemingly opposite emotions at the same time.
This point was driven home to me after the birth of my second child. I had spent many years struggling with infertility and going through expensive, painful, and grueling treatments before welcoming a daughter into our family. I expected to only be filled with gratitude and joy. I FINALLY had what I wanted after so many years of waiting. What I did not expect was a severe bout of postpartum depression and anxiety. For weeks I kept telling myself “you should feel happy” and denying any feelings that crept up that were anything but joyful.
Getting Help For Postpartum Depression And Anxiety
With the help of therapy, I realized that I was capable of holding space for BOTH the joy of a new baby and the realities of my postpartum feelings. Being sad, anxious, and overwhelmed did NOT negate my love for my child. I could be BOTH grateful AND struggling. I could be both a capable and loving mother AND get help from qualified medical and mental health professionals.
When we fall into the trap of either/or thinking, also known as dichotomous thinking, it robs us of fully living our experience. It can also prevent us from getting help when we need it. One of the most important skills that can be used in the postpartum period and in all of life is to hold space for seemingly opposite feelings. Allowing our feelings to simply be. We can acknowledge them for what they are without attaching guilt to those feelings. Know that it is perfectly okay and common to be experiencing these big emotions that seem contradictory but are truly just part of this life changing experience.
As I freed myself from guilt, I learned the skills I needed to navigate the hard feelings AND the happy ones. Learning to embrace the both/and of motherhood has allowed me to experience this season of life in all of its messy and beautiful wonder.
You Are Not Alone - Postpartum Help Is Available!
If you are in the thick of the postpartum period and navigating these BIG feelings that overwhelm you, know that you don’t have to do it alone. We have resources to support you in learning the skills you need to hold space for the both/and of motherhood. From our free postpartum support group, to individual therapy, to our postpartum therapy group, there is something for everyone who needs and wants support. You don’t have to do it alone.