Matrescence: “When a baby is born, so is a mother.”
Written by Yennhi Hoang, LCSW, PMH-C
Matrescence is one of my favorite and most popular topics in our postpartum therapy group!
So, what even is that?
It’s kinda like puberty, a.k.a adolescence, in that it includes physical changes, hormones, and identity shifts. Matrescence is like adolescence, except for moms.
More specifically, matrescence is the process of becoming a mother - whether through conception, pregnancy and birth, surrogacy or adoption, and beyond. It is the emotional, physical, and spiritual transformation a person goes through that lasts a lifetime.
Most people think that the process of becoming a mom happens right when the first baby is born. The reality is we are actually in a constant process of matrescence. For example, there’s a matrescence period for learning what it’s like to be a mom to a newborn, then a 6 month old, 1 year old, 2 year old, 5 year old, 20 year old, and beyond.
This means we deserve a constant level of grace and support because of the constant changes in relationships and needs as you and baby grow.
Side note, I do want to add that fathers may go through a similar process as well called “patrescence.”
Within matrescence, there are four primary tasks that are universal in the experience of motherhood:
Changing Relationship Dynamics
Anytime we add in a new person into the mix, relationship dynamics automatically shift. That can include relationships between parents, grandparents, friends, coworkers, etc.
For example, perhaps you’re the first person in your friend group to become a parent and now the rest of them don’t relate as much. Or now you are working through what it means to have in-laws who are grandparents. Or maybe you have way less time and energy for your partner and that is causing new dynamics as a couple.
These are huge shifts that occur during matrescence and can cause stress and tension, which are deserving of support as you navigate these changes.
Reality vs Fantasy
This is a big one. Mainly because it brings an element of grief, which in my opinion is one of the least acknowledged parts of motherhood. There are strong messages around “you should love being a mom and this season because it’s short.” Yes, soak in all the things. AND, it’s okay to acknowledge the parts that don’t look like what you had dreamed.
Maybe breastfeeding, birth, postpartum, your relationships have looked different than how you imagined. Perhaps you imagined the most magical home birth that ended up in a hospital transfer. Yes, you can be grateful that you and baby are okay, AND acknowledge the sadness from the loss of a dream.
For example, when I thought about being a mother, I always envisioned an older kid who made funny comments to me. So, you can imagine that the reality check of having a baby who couldn’t speak for a long while was not quite what I envisioned motherhood to be.
It is completely okay to have both gratitude for what you have AND acknowledge the sadness around it being different. Grief and gratitude can coexist without one taking anything away from the other.
Ambivalence
This one goes back to the assumption that you should LOVE being a mom all the time. Ambivalence is referring to the common feeling of wanting to be with your baby and also wanting your own space at the same time.
I always say that motherhood is the epitome of a dialectic - something that seems so opposite yet true at the same time. For example, I love being a (paid) working mom AND I miss my baby while I’m away. I am so grateful I get to be a mom AND I miss my pre-kid life.
Guilt or Shame vs Good Enough Mother
I don’t think any mom has escaped mom guilt. Due to cultural expectations around motherhood, it is common to feel guilt and shame no matter what it is you’re doing or times when you feel you didn’t show up the way you wanted to. Maybe you feel guilty because you yelled at your innocent, adorable newborn out of frustration of them crying for the thousandths time. Maybe you feel guilty for not being totally present with them when they were telling you something cool.
D.W. Winnicott, a British pediatrician and psychoanalyst, coined the term “good enough mother,” which is referring to the idea that it’s okay that sometimes you “mess up” as a parent. Not only is it okay to do this, it’s actually good for your children to see you as a whole human. It teaches them that mom is a normal human who also makes mistakes sometimes. It teaches them the whole world doesn’t revolve around them.
So, mama, it’s okay that you yelled at your kids. It’s okay that you didn’t execute the most amazing perfectly curated Instagram mom script. It’s all good. They’re good. You’re good. You’re a good mom who is just having a hard time. You are more than enough.
Why do I looooove talking about matrescence?
Clients of my therapy group have shared they find it gives language to the experience of becoming mothers.
Normalizes the significant changes in the transition to motherhood.
As you can tell, matrescence is a MAJOR life experience that is constantly happening. The Healing Group specializes in support during these transitions and would love to have you join us to get the support you deserve.
Sources: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/08/well/family/the-birth-of-a-mother.html
https://www.centreforperinatalpsychology.com.au/good-enough-parent/