Three Steps For Navigating Sex After Having A Baby
Written by Yennhi Hoang, LCSW, PMH-C
Got the go ahead from your healthcare provider to have sex at your 6 week postpartum checkup, but the thought of sex makes you cringe? Your partner is looking forward to getting back into the swing of things, but you’re thinking, “I can’t even imagine anything going anywhere near my vagina right now?”.
You are not alone.
Sure, maybe you hear about some of your friends who are ready to go at 6 weeks postpartum and are excitedly anticipating engaging in sex again.
However, I would argue that most people actually aren’t ready just because they got the green light for sex at their 6 week postpartum visit, and that’s okay.
You might be thinking: Great I’m not abnormal, but what do I do?
Step 1: Self compassion for not feeling ready for intimacy at 6 weeks postpartum
Reasons that make total sense why you’re not jazzed about sex right now:
Sleep deprivation
Processing the emotions around birth & postpartum
Physically recovering from birth (whether cesarean or vaginal birth)
Sensitive or leaking breasts due to breastfeeding
Adjusting to a new human coming into your life
Mental load of caring for a little human totally dependent on you
Concerns about “what if the baby wakes up during sex”
Sexual pain
Postpartum hemorrhoids
Self conscious about queefing (releasing air from the vagina, which sometimes makes a noise that can feel embarrassing)
You don’t feel sexy
One of my personal favorite validation statements is “makes sense.”
Don’t want to have sex because you’re tired? Makes sense.
Don’t want to have sex even if baby is sleeping wonderfully? Makes sense.
Want to have sex but really would rather sleep? Makes sense.
A part of you wants to have sex and another part of you feels it’s not your priority? Makes sense.
Step 2: Share with your partner that you’re not feeling ready and express concerns.
I know, it’s vulnerable to share that you’re not ready for sexual intimacy, especially if your partner is eager. I find many moms feel hesitant to straight up say “no” to sex and instead will throw in a “yeah, maybe…” to try to soften the blow of rejection, even if they know deep down they are not in the mood.
Brene Brown reminds us that being “clear is kind and unclear is unkind.” So, a direct no is much kinder than a vague maybe.
Example of things you can say to your partner:
“Hey, I can see that you want to have sex, and I love that you want to connect with me in that way. When I check in with myself/my body, I am not feeling ready yet. Instead, I would love to cuddle and hold your hand. Thank you for understanding and being patient.”
Key points:
Acknowledge your partner’s desire
Appreciate their desire to connect
Clearly state that you are not ready for sex
Offer another suggestion to connect
Step 3: Give yourself time!
You are undergoing a major life transition and it’s okay if sex isn’t your number one priority right now. Prioritizing your sexual health as a couple can look different for the time being. Maybe instead it's a partner holding your hand as you fall asleep. Maybe it’s prioritizing sleep as individuals so then you have more energy for each other when you’re awake. You and your partner can decide together what works best for your relationship at this time.
On average, couples don’t return to pre-baby frequency of sex until around one year postpartum. Taking some time to adjust to a new normal is…totally normal! With clarity, patience, and authenticity you can find you sexual groove again when the time is right.
Getting help if you are struggling
If you find yourself struggling with feelings overwhelm, sadness, anxiety, or hopelessness after postpartum, there is help! Join one of our online postpartum therapy groups for additional support and guidance as you navigate this transitional time of life. Visit our Groups page, or call our front desk at 801-305-3171 for more information.