Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior and the Pursuit of Pleasure

By Braxton Dutson, LCSW, CST

Seeking Pleasure: Yes or No?

As a sex therapist who treats out-of-control sexual behavior, some of the questions I see clients grapple with are:

• Is pleasure “bad”?

• Should I feel guilty for feeling or seeking pleasure?

• Is pleasure something I’m not allowed to experience if I struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors?

Let’s talk about it!

Pleasure Is A Principle Of Sexual Health

One of the six principles of sexual health is "pleasure." Often the men I work with who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior feel distressed about discussing pleasure. After all, pleasure is what got them into the mess in the first place... right?? Not necessarily. 

Pleasure is an important part of sexual excitation and can be a driver for sexual action. However, people frequently are led to believe that pleasure is then the force that creates unwanted behaviors. This is not the case. 

Take food for example. You have foods that bring you pleasure, you may even have foods that you feel completely powerless to (ahem, Krispy Kreme). The pleasure is a response that is amazing to feel. The distress comes from consequences, values, and other personal agreements. Krispy Kreme doesn't make me eat doughnuts, I'm not addicted to the pleasure of doughnuts, but I do enjoy the feeling I get when I eat them. However, if I eat "too many" I frequently have an upset stomach, if I eat them too frequently I challenge my value of health. They also are not free, and I have an agreement with my partner on how much I can spend on sweet treats per month. If I break these agreements with my body and my partner, I am more likely to feel out of control and likely to blame pleasure as the culprit because it feels like pleasure is the driving force. 

Pleasure is not inherently a bad thing. It keeps us alive, encourages "fun," and can drive purpose in life. 

Permission To Feel Pleasure

I want you to feel pleasure, I want you to have sexual pleasure, and I want your partner(s) to have pleasurable experiences. You can still have pleasure while addressing the out-of-control feelings you have. We do this by addressing what values you feel you are crossing, exploring "choice points" to see where you feel out of control, but we need to see what other values you can choose and how to choose them at the moment. Following through and allowing yourself pleasure in other ways can be supportive as well. 

When addressing out-of-control feelings, let's not forget or neglect pleasure in the conversations for change. 

If you or someone you care about is struggling with out-of-control sexual behaviors, there is hope! Join our Men’s Empowerment Therapy Group for education, support, and healing. Call or text 801-305-3171 for more information.